criteriaa7fandomcom-20200214-history
Melissa Levin
Melissa Levin is a female resident of Brooklyn NY currently co-habitating with Mike Quinn in spite of the fact that Mike is a known zucchophile. She works at the Lower Manhattan Something Something Art, a political organization that advocates separate sovereign status for the island of Manhattan. Melissa mesures 5 feet, 8 inches tall, which makes her shorter than Henry Quinn. Combined with the fact that she has a smaller comic book collection, drives less safely, and can fit fewer marbles in her nose, this makes her inferior to Henry in every way that matters to him. Mel is best known for her failed 1988 run for state senator in Oregon, in which she rode the slogan 'I Will Fucking Cut You' to an easy victory in the Green Party primary. During the general election, she was beset by rumors of shoplifting and addiction to Dutch Masters cigarillos, but eventually lost due to the fact that she shot a bunch of people in the face. Currently, Mel's whereabouts are unknown, but she'll probably be home later. You should try calling her then. But don't try after 9. Grey's Anatomy is on and she LOVES THAT SHIT. __TOC__ Early Life Little is known about Melissa's early years except that they took place on the west coast and involved some kind of vampire slaying activity. I wouldn't talk about that shit either. One time, when she was 6, she thought she saw a leprechaun, but she didn't. There's no such thing, stupid. Did you ever find a bug on you and totally freak the fuck out? In her early life, this never, ever happened to Melissa Levin. She used to fucking make friends with bugs. What the fuck, right? No one knows for sure when Mel became such an excellent cook, it's shrouded in some fucking mystery or some shit, but it was probably at an early age when she WENT TO FUCKING COOKING SCHOOL IN AN IRAQI CAVE WHERE THE GUY WAS GONNA KILL HER SO SHE COOKED HER WAY OUT AND KILLED A BUNCH OF TERRORISTS. I bet you thought that was the fucking plot to Iron Man, and it was. Murder Mel loves murder. She likes to kill, and she does so without remorse. Melissa's most famous murder was the Thermos Killing of 1994. She broke into a neighboring dorm room while attending Weber State College in Utah, and beat its three residents to death with a stainless steel thermos while singing TLC's Waterfalls and dressed in footy pajamas and a Boba Fett mask. Though security camera footage left little doubt that it was Mel who committed these murders, she was eventually acquitted with the judge writing that "while these murders are without doubt of the most heinous variety, and though Ms. Levin is clearly the perpetrator, what can I say? Mel loves murder!" And indeed, she does. Indeed, she does. Other Key Facts *Melissa's favorite food is Jax. *She is partially colorblind, and the only colors she can see are red, green, and Ultrax.